I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
