i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So squirting runs in the family.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
