gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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