Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
