OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
