Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
