i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
