i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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