if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
