In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
