living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
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Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
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My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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