I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
