I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my sisters under your porch take her home
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
