If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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