am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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