He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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