fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
