I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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