This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
