I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She told me I should be a condom model.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
