my text book just quoted the cookie monster
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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