Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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