My friends, they love my intelligence
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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