what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize