My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
you never un-have a 4some
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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