Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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