He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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