The maid of honor just puked.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
