If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
