oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
