shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
