We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
