I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
