I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
