i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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