I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i think my mom watched the whole time
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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