You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
