guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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