My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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