i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
