and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
