If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
