can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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