When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Randomize
