Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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