i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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