i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
