I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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