I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
