i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
