I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
