my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
