Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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