I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
