tonight lets celebrate not being married
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
