i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
