Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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