I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
