I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
This is classic penis vs brain.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
