Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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