My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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